Category Archives: addiction

I Remember

This Remembrance Day, remember all those that have given their lives and all that have physical and psychological injuries including those that have been sexually abused. I served in the Canadian Forces and was injured to the point where my great career was cut short. I am telling my story as a final part of my healing journey.

In 2007 I was a healthy unemployed 34 year old. The factory I worked at for 10 years was shut down and moved to Mexico.  I had a wife and 3 kids to take care of and was struggling to meet my bills.  One day a Canadian warship pulled alongside Windsor Ontario and it was opened for tours.  I brought my little kids to the ship and we were all impressed.  The sailor’s were also handing out flyers letting everyone know that the navy was hiring.  After only a short conversation with my wife, I decided to apply.  In January 2008 I was shipped off to basic training.  I passed all the physical tests and ran with everyone without any problems.  After basic, I was transferred to Victoria BC to begin 6 months of career training for the trade I chose.  After the trade training, I was deployed with HMCS Winnipeg to the Gulf of Aden for 6 months on an anit-piracy operation. You may remember seeing the movie Captain Phillips.  I was there for that incident in 2009.  I remember hearing the distress calls over the radio as I worked in the operations room.  The pirates got on the radio and said “you’re too late,” when we were trying to regain comms with the captain.  After the Maersk Alabama was taken over our ship was sent away and the American navy  stayed with it to negotiate.

While a ship is at sea, the garbage has to be processed and so there is a garbage processing room where all plastic is melted down to solid “pucks” and stored till we come ashore.  All paper was shredded and mixed with water to create a slug. It was pumped overboard to be broken down in the ocean.  All glass was smashed and sent to the bottom of the ocean and metal was also sent to the bottom.  All of these items, plastic, paper, glass and metal were processed in the garbage processing room ( AKA the gash room)  This room was only used when the ship was on long deployments.  Short trips, less than a few weeks, we just stored away till we arrived back home.  When we were on our 6 month deployment in the Gulf of Aden we used this gash room everyday.  My department took care of the gash room and we all took turns working there. Most didn’t like working there because it was smelly and  disgusting as you might imagine.  It was full of mould and slime everywhere but I actually liked it because it was quiet and peaceful there, as we worked alone processing the trash.  It got me away from a very stressful job in the operations room, so I volunteered to take other shipmates’ turns working there and they happily obliged.  I worked in the gash room often during those 6 months and had no idea the damage my lungs would have incurred as a result of being exposed to excessive mould for so long.  It was mouldy in there because of the high moisture and humidity as well, the air conditioning unit was also contaminated with mould and blew cold mouldy air in there to keep it cool.  That same air conditioning unit also blew cold air into the operations room where I also worked.  So I was exposed to mould all the time for those 6 months while deployed.

I never felt the effects of the mould exposure until after I returned from the deployment. A couple months after my ship came back, we went on a 5 KM base run.  I made it to the first kilometre and could not breathe.  I felt like I was going to die as I gasped for air for the next 4 KM. I walked the rest of the way and tried to get my breathing under control.  This was the first time of many that I would have a major problem breathing after doing a small amount of exercise.  I was also a ship’s firefighter and had to wear bunker gear with a mask and oxygen tank on my back.  My first year on the ship we rarely did firefighting exercises but after we had a new captain come onboard, he decided we needed to do exercises often.  The next 2 years were like hell as we did 4 sets of work ups.  The new captain wanted to push the training on our ship to the max and he certainly did.  During these “training” sessions called work ups, we only got 2 or 3 hours of broken sleep in a 24 hour period. I would be just getting to sleep and the bong bongs or alarm would go off.  I had 6 minutes to get up to the flight deck dressed in my bunker gear ready for the emergency.  I was not allowed to turn on the oxygen tank as it took too long to fill them after the exercise was over.  It was considered valuable sleep time and so nobody used the oxygen as we would have had no sleep.  As a result of not having my air on, but still having to wear my mask, I had an asthma attack after every exercise.  Some were so severe that I really did think I was going to die as I gasped for air.  Most of my asthma attacks I was in a dark, secluded place with a charged fire hose waiting for the drill to be over. I told the ship’s medical people about my respiratory issues and they told me to see my military doctor when we got ashore.  Over those couple of years I was sent to the same military doctor and literally got a run around each time. I had many pulmonary function tests and they were fine because I was not doing any exercise, just sitting calmly in a chair and breathing into a machine. He kept saying “everything looks good”.  I asked the military doctor if we could do an exercise induced asthma test and he always said that the military doesn’t  test for that.  I had one really bad asthma attack on the ship one day where I was losing consciousness. I broke the rule and turned on my oxygen tank to get air. I laid there in the bowels of the ship by myself for about a half hour slowly getting my lungs back until I made it back to the flight deck.  I told my superiors what had happened and nothing was done.  They told me to go see the military doctor when we arrived ashore.  I told the military doctor of my many close calls with death including my most recent one and begged him to do something. He reluctantly gave me restrictions so that I didn’t have to wear a mask or do any more firefighting drills.  He also let me control my own exercise routine so I wasn’t forced to run again.  I was nearing the end of my first contract and could not continue like this so I asked the military doctor if he would approve a medical discharge.  He said that it would be impossible as there was no proof that my respiratory problems were caused by my service.  At that time in my life, I still had no idea what had caused this lung condition and felt like I was up against a 200 foot  monster. I let my contract expire and couldn’t re-sign for the 25 year deal to continue with the navy due to my respiratory issues and received an honorable discharge in 2012 when my first contract was over.

Since then I had my own exercise induced asthma test done by my family doctor and was diagnosed with exercise induced asthma.  I was also diagnosed with complex P.T.S.D from my many near death experiences from my asthma attacks along with the frustrations of nobody listening to me for years. I continued to have these attacks for years and it never went away or got better.  In October 2019 I was told by some good friends that I should call Veterans Affairs and see if there was something that could be done for me.  I was taken in with lots of love and compassion and told about possible compensation for all my pain and suffering.  It was at this time when I finally found out what had caused my respiratory problems.  I did a simple search online for breathing problems on Canadian ships and was shocked to see many articles dating back to 2012, talking about a major mould problem on my old ship, HMCS Winnipeg. These articles detailed that the mould readings were highest in the garbage processing room, the operations room and the storage locker for the bunker gear on the flight deck.  All 3 of these locations I was in everyday and it all made sense to me from then on.  I am still working with Veterans Affairs about receiving acknowledgement and compensation for my respiratory problems. I put my pain and suffering  application in for my respiratory problems nearly 2 years ago and hope that it is approved soon. 

I also now know that if my situation was taken seriously, I would have been medically discharged and given a pension for life for my service related injuries.

Just a few months after I was accepted by Veterans Affairs and given a temporary monthly salary, the lock-downs started and everyone was to stay home.  In the nearly 2 years that I have stayed home, I have been actively receiving help for my complex P.T.S.D from a wonderful psychologist from Bay Psychology. I also have found much help online with various other doctors who treat complex P.T.S.D. Before I came to Veterans Affairs, I was about to go into the woods and disappear from society.  I was drinking everyday as well as consuming cannabis all day everyday to mask my symptoms and keep me calm.  I was frustrated, depressed and angry from the way my military career ended. My marriage of 17 years also ended terribly in 2014 as a result of my P.T.S.D symptoms and cannabis use.

I no longer drink or use cannabis anymore.  I quit those over a year ago now and don’t miss them at all.  I am no longer depressed or frustrated and have so much to be thankful for.  I learned through my Christian faith how forgiveness works to our benefit.  When you hold on to resentment, it is the same as unforgiveness.  Resentment is like a weight that holds you down, but when you forgive, then you are made free!  I had to let go of all the resentment I felt for the military and how I was treated so unfairly. I wrote an article on this blog called Post Trauma Peace and it is full of all that I have learned about trauma and how I healed. So, psychologically, I am doing much better all because of staying home and healing at my own pace.

Physically, with regards to my lungs, my family doctor says they will not improve and more than likely they will get worse.  I am still exempt from wearing masks and my doctor has recommended that I not return to work with the current mask mandate. I still have asthma attacks almost daily.  Some small and some dangerously close to death.  I wake most nights with an attack and have to take my rescue inhaler. Even if I sneeze more than 3 or 4 times I feel an attack coming and have to take my puffer.  I have asthma attacks when I shovel in the winter or cut the grass in the summer.  They can be quite scary as my lungs feel like I am only getting 25% of the air I normally get.

Below are 2 short videos.  One is showing what an attack is like for me and the other is showing a short version of my story and supporting documents.  The first video of my attack was something that I never recorded before.  I just got done cutting the grass and could not breathe.  The camera was sitting on the table so I picked it up and documented it for the first time.  It is hard for me to watch this video as there is much stress going on inside and I feel every second of it when I watch.

Asthma Attack Documented
My Story with Documentation

Complex-P.T.S.D Help

Photo by Jakub Novacek on

Complex P.T.S.D is many stressful incidents over a period of time. It can also be called childhood P.T.S.D.

I have found much help from this You Tube channel called The Crappy Childhood Fairy and want to share her introduction video. I hope her channel helps someone else as much as me in my healing process.

A great first video to get you started in healing.

The Answer Is Right Under Your Feet!

Photo by Anastasiya Vragova on

If you suffer from inflammation, depression, sleepless nights, heart problems, poor blood circulation or a long list of other health conditions then you may want to watch this informative short documentary. With spring here and summer on the horizon we are able to kick off our shoes and connect with the ground again. If you don’t have the time to watch this documentary right away then save it for later when you do. It will change your life and your health!

Porn In Our Modern Society

Photo by Jessica Lewis on

When I was a child growing up in the 70’s, I was never exposed to pornography.  The porn at that time was in corner store magazines on the top shelf, far out of reach from all little children.  Later on when VHS tapes became popular in the 80’s, you could find porn in stores that had their windows covered so you could not see in, and you couldn’t enter unless you were 19 years old.  Then came the 90’s, in particular the late 90’s when the internet came to life with video.  This is when everyone with an internet connection could view porn virtually anytime with their personal computer from the privacy of their own homes.  When the cell phone became popular in the 2000’s,  that made it possible to view porn anywhere in the world, at any time and without age restrictions. Pornography has become very accessible in most societies around the world, except for the middle eastern countries that have blocked it from their internet.  

Once a child gets their own cell phone, it’s only a matter of time before curiosity takes over and they’re viewing porn for the first time.  They can become addicted to watching it daily and their sexual habits can often be shaped by it. Most parents don’t have any clue that their child has started to watch porn because the child tends to hide it as they find it is a shameful thing.  A good parent will monitor and control their children’s internet and cell phone usage to ‘try’ to prevent exposure from happening.  It’s not right that children as young as 9-13 are exposed to porn.  It has very negative effects on their lives when they are older in real relationships. 

The negative effects on real relationships or marriages have been felt in many ways.

The divorce rate has been getting higher and higher and this has somewhat to do with porn usage that has become common in our society.  Men tend to be the ones who view porn most of the time.  This causes a lack of interest in his spouse as the porn actor satisfies all of his desires, while the spouse is left wondering what is wrong with her? Viewing porn has been compared to someone addicted to cocaine.  It has the same effect on the nervous system and it is a high that satisfies only temporarily. Men who watch porn can become sexually warped and confused.  What I mean by this is that men are exposed to women that are being humiliated, abused, or even raped on video, and they are taught to think that all women like to be treated like this.  The Fifty Shades of Grey movies that came out added to this idea and has caused many women to be confused in their sexual desires.  Since porn became popular, the traditional marriage bed has become very warped and perverted.  Some feel there’s no such thing as “making love’ anymore! Also when you are married and you look at porn, you are lusting after someone else and that has a negative spiritual effect on your relationship as it is the same as adultery in the heart and adultery is not good!

I could go on and on over the negative ways porn has affected our society, but I am sure you get the point.  If you are addicted to porn, then please understand that it is not having a good impact on your life. You need to realize that it is wrong and not normal.  If you are married and stop using porn then I guarantee you will notice a big difference in your sexual relationship with your spouse and so will she!!!  If you are not married and single, then you need to stop so that you become more interested in finding a real relationship. Most men that watch porn become lazy and not interested in putting in an effort to find a meaningful relationship or marriage.  Lastly, but certainly not least, is the fact that porn is not good in God’s eyes.  It is written in 1 John 2: 15-17  Do not love the world or the things in the world.  If anyone loves the world or the things in the world then the love of the Father is not in them.  For all that is in the world- the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life- is not of the Father but is of the world.  And the world and the lust of it is passing away; but whoever does the will of God shall abide forever. 

Lust has been confused with love in our day and age.  Porn is nothing but lust of the flesh and lust of the eyes and it is toxic for our society.  Please consider never viewing porn again for a much better life!